the PK

Dear Hannah G,

I have been referred to as the PK or "pastor's kid" for as long as I can remember. I grew up in churches, I prayed the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer every night, and I had a wooden plaque above my bed that said "Hannah: Graceful One."

My dad did Bible Trivia at the dinner table once a week and gave me a dollar if I answered a question right (more like Bible Bribes). I moved states every two years and moved churches and houses and schools. My parents always told me to be on my best behavior so that the people in the church would know that I was a good little girl. Same with my two brothers and sister of course. I put on a nice outfit and went to church every Sunday. I watched my parents smile and greet the people and invite them over for dinner. My mom put on a dress for any sort of church event. And when we were planning to pack and move again, my parents would say, "Little bird, don't tell anyone at church yet, okay?" My life was one big mystery to people, and sometimes there wasn't any use trying to explain it.

God made me into some sort of nomad. I never stayed in one place for too long. And I guess it sort of forced me to trust in Him because He was the only thing that was constant. He was the only one who followed me wherever I went...and carried me for that matter.

But when I wasn't thankful that God was keeping me safe, I was doubting and turning away. I was rebellious and irritable. I didn't listen during church and I didn't read my Bible on my own. I wanted things to be MY way, so I tried my best to control things. Control. Why am I always trying to have it? And when I read my Bible, nothing would stick. All of the memory verses and all of the stories dissolved somewhere in my head and I just didn't trust it. I didn't think that God was really there.

I was talking to someone about the Bible and the book of Revelation, and I realized that I didn't know much about it. I'm not sure exactly what I believe will happen when the world ends. And then they said, "Well you're the pastor's kid, you should know." And I don't think they meant anything by it, but it struck me. And all of this popped into my head this morning, and I had to get it out.

It's strange to think that the past is nonexistent. Everyone tries to say that the past doesn't matter. But seriously, it may be nonexistent, but it's still a part of history. And it's a part of my history. And I just had to get this out.

The other day Stephen said, "It's not nonsense, it's Godsense." Hah! Isn't that so true? We aren't really supposed to understand it all, because we are just His little creatures. I kind of think that God is protecting us by letting us be a little ignorant. His love and His perfect plan is so great that we will never fully be able to wrap our minds around it; while we're on this earth.

But we can see glimpses of it. Like those amazing sunsets I've been seeing lately. And when I climb to the very top of a mountain to a lookout. When I feel His love through another person. When I realize that I could have never planned out my life to make so much sense.

I really loved your post. Posts, actually. Hahaha. Sorry I disappeared for awhile. :]

Love,
Hannah L