A day

It's gray outside; another blurry day. A day where anything could happen, good or bad. A day where I am tired again and I want to take a nap. I woke up at 7 and walked to the bank. Had breakfast at Small World and a small decaf coffee in a glass mug. I met up with a friend and she told me how her world shifted completely in a matter of one day. Her dreams of being in the Olympics were shattered after one race. Everything she'd been working towards was for nothing. For nothing? Maybe not nothing. But now she is picking up everything and leaving to Seattle. Taking a road trip clear across the country. She might not even come back.

Something seemed different about her. It was like she was humbled a little bit. Suddenly she wasn't as cheerful as she normally was. Suddenly she doesn't have her whole life figured out. I sip on my bitter coffee as she tells me these things. She smiles and laughs and tries to get it off of her shoulders. But they still look heavy and weighted down. She tells me that she is at peace and that she knows God is in control. I wonder if she really is at peace. She seems kind of disturbed about everything.

We are never really in control, are we? We think we are, and then something unexpected happens to us. We should be used to it by now, but we aren't. When something is out of my control, I go straight into defensive mode. I catch myself crossing my arms across my chest, hiding inside of my own skin. I start thinking of alternatives and ways to fix things. I come up with someone to blame. I look in every direction besides up. And He's the one who is testing us, isn't He? He's the one putting us through it all to make us better and to help us grow. So why can't I trust Him and why can't I pray to Him?

Anything can happen in a day, and it scares me. I have to think through things before I actually do them. I always plan out in my head before executing. I don't make decisions until I've made a pro/con list. Why? Because I'm scared of bad things happening. I'm afraid of what could happen. What's the point in living this way?

-hl