Alone time vs. Isolation

Loved your last entry, Larson. You need to write a book about it...

I guess you kind-of-sort-of did. A chapter, or maybe a synopsis of it.

That part about the taxi driver... people keep saying that: "Now is the time." And you're right that he's right. Even though we're young, we don't know how many more breaths we're going to take. We really won't find rest from the restlessness UNTIL we go for it.

I've been kind of realizing that during these past few weeks here in Charleston. It's been exhilarating, challenging, eye-opening, all these things that I didn't foresee about this trip. And I'm grateful for it, even the parts when I just want to go home and pet my dog. I've been inspired and challenged by the art that I've seen here and the artists that I've met. I just can't let this summer pass me by... again. I won't let it.

A good friend of mine here at Spoleto lent me a book called "Changes That Heal" by Dr. Henry Cloud and it's helped me to see some things about myself that I just wasn't aware of. It took me a few days to actually crack it open because I was afraid of what I might find in the pages. I finally opened it today and lo and behold... those words were meant for me.

To be honest, there have been many times, mostly in this past week that it's been so difficult to be around the people here. And really, it's not anything they're doing intentionally to bother me. They haven't been mean to me. If anything, they've been so caring and looking out for me. But for some reason, I've been on edge and just couldn't be around them. Anything they said or did annoyed me. Even though I'm surrounded by people, I feel... isolated. Maybe it's because I'm a girl and maybe it's almost that time of the month... but maybe it's more than that. Maybe it goes deeper, why I feel so lonely even though I'm not alone.

The chapter I opened up to was titled "When We Fail to Bond." My initial thought: Here we go again. I'm tired of this self-help, self-realization, self-discovery crap. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way with people? Like I can't connect?

Some of the titles and subtitles in the chapter:
Symptoms of failure to bond:
depression
addiction
distorted thinking
emptiness
fears of intimacy
fears of unreality
rage
excessive caretaking
fantasy

That's me...

Some more titles and subtitles in the chapter:
Barriers to bonding - distorted thoughts
"My neediness will overwhelm everyone."
"My need for others is not valid."
"No one is trustworthy."
"People will always leave me."
"People will disapprove of me."
"People will control me."

All of the above. Check.

I could go on and on but I won't. All this to say that I discovered that it's okay for me to say that I need people. Alone time is healthy, but not all the time. We were designed to be in relationship, so anyone that tells us that we shouldn't be dependent on each other because that means we're weak - they couldn't be further from the truth. I guess I always thought, especially at our school, that being alone, being independent meant that you were so much stronger than anyone else.

Wrong.

I don't have to be Super Hannah, who is always super-nice who is super-patient and super-independent. I can just be... Hannah.

And you can just be... Hannah.

We can just be.