Belief.

Dear Hannah L,

I'll be honest with you. I had a really difficult time reading your latest entry the first time around. A couple of days ago, I was really struggling with my thoughts on God, Jesus, religion, love, what I believe in. And you know, I'm still struggling. I've camped out in this place for a while now, the place where I know I don't want to believe in something just because my parents do or just because my friends do and I will believe in it too because I want to be accepted. My words are so cheap sometimes. They can be sounds that escape my lips in hopes that someone will nod his or her head in agreement. And most of the time, people do, because I've figured out what to say and how to say it to get people's approval. I'm tired of it. If I say that I believe in something, I want to say it and mean it.

The thing is, I want to believe in Jesus. I want to believe in something bigger than myself, that what I'm doing now, trying to love, is helping to build heaven. Maybe I'm selfish, but living a good life just to live it is not enough for me. If I die and nothing happens to my soul after it, it all just seems kind of worthless in some ways. I know a lot of arguments can be made against that statement, but I guess when I hear talk of an afterlife, of living forever, it leaves me wondering.

There are a few things I am sure of about this life, though:
1) Pride is a terrible monster. Pride is what keeps me from experiencing love from others. It's what fuels my jealousy and isolates me in my Hannah G Love bubble. And when pride is done with me, it leaves me face down on the floor.
2) Our world is a broken place full of broken humans with broken hearts. The wars, both visible and invisible, the violence, the injustice, the sadness. But somehow, and I might never understand this, there is beauty and rescue. Through the cracks, there is that light that you spoke of in your last entry. The light that is hope.
3) My purpose on earth is to love. I have resources, advantages, and gifts that I can use to meet the needs of other people. If I chose to commit my life to doing that, I don't think I'd regret one second of it. If I can help ease someone's suffering for just a moment, it is all worth it.

Okay, so this entry seems all over the place, I'm really sorry, haha. Like you, writing is a much easier way to try to sort everything out that goes on in my head. And after reading what I just wrote, the things that I'm sure of, it might seem to some that those can stand alone. And I completely understand where they're coming from. Like, why does God or Jesus need to fit in there? Not being prideful and wanting hope and love should be good enough, right? It would be so much easier if I could just say that. My question though is - what's the source of hope and love? I want to know, because I want more of it. And if it is in fact God, if it's Jesus, I'd like to know.

Thanks for your last entry - I find hope in it. I'd like to feel like that someday.

Love,
G Love