Time

Hey G Love,

Your post is so true. We do live in the past and the future, but hardly in the present. But why is that?
I am a day dreamer. I picture things and I make up things and I remember things. I dwell on things and I wait for things. I hope for things. I doubt things. I imagine things. I can hardly ever just be in something because I am too busy looking back and looking forward.

And why do I spend so much time on this? It's not like there is an endless supply of hours in a day. The days go by so quick. The weeks and the years. I am left here on a Saturday night wondering how this week even happened. How this summer happened. How in another week I will be back at school in my dorm room (with you eek!). Why is it that things happen so quickly? The world is on speed, I swear. Ask any old person and they will say: "Oh you just wait little girl! It just keeps getting faster! Before you know it you'll be wishing you could get back all of the time that you wasted!" And I wonder why they all say the same thing. And THEN because you've wasted so much time, you dwell on the fact that you wasted it--which wastes more time.

Sigh.

I hope I'm not wasting time writing this blog...just kidding. Sort of.

And don't we live on borrowed time? Is anything guaranteed in this world? Nothing is promised. Except for what God promises of course. He has a whole book of promises ready to be offered to us. But everything else fails.

Places fail me. People fail me, sometimes without even meaning to. My memories fail me. My dreams fail me.

And that's what I am learning. The fact that God is the only one who can fill me up. The only one who can hold me up and keep me going. Everyday.

I am going to take a bubble bath.
Love,
L

This is love.

Maybe you've seen this video already. I just viewed this today. It messed me up.

The fight to remember.

Hey L,

So, about this rug... I'll be honest... I LOVE IT. Psychedelic is good! Hahaha. This will be a nice rug to fall asleep on when the sun is shining through our window and we want to skip class. We should vacuum it often though. Because of the hair and dust bunnies and stuff. (It took me several tries to spell the word 'vacuum.' What an awkward word!)

Anywho, your entry - so much of it was not what I wanted to hear, but it was what I needed to hear, for sure. So much of my summer has been spent feeling the opposite. I haven't been feeling like God wants to use me, for many reasons. And I guess I haven't been feeling that I even want God to use me. I know a big part of me fears what He is going to ask of me, once I offer everything that I have and everything that I am. How quickly and easily I have forgotten the love, pain, joy, and growth I experience though when He does use me and others to share love with each other!

Humans are funny creatures. We often live in the past and the future, but rarely in the present. Or maybe that's just me. My friend told me that humans are the only species that actively ignore their own kind. Humans can so easily forget the good things in this life and dwell on the bad. Maybe these statements aren't entirely true, but these are things that I've observed and thought about.



The last part about forgetting... I am plagued with it. I forgot how and what God has shown me in this life. He showed me what true beauty was when I went to Africa, where there were no mirrors and I didn't have to deal with make-up and I spent my days with beautiful people who had nothing but had everything. He showed me that we don't have to be stagnant about the injustice in our world and that every little bit makes a difference. Every little bit. Did you know that $1 is equal to clean water for an African for an entire year? That equation used to blow my mind. So much that in high school my friends and I got together and raised awareness and money to build water wells in Africa. I barely think about it anymore. That makes me really sad. And I forgot about my journey to Westminster, how I chose to go to Catholic University instead of WCC at first, but somehow I ended up at WCC. The timing was perfect. There were people I met at CUA that changed my life and I never would've met them if I chose to go to WCC first. And there are people at WCC whom I'm sure I would've not been as close with had I not had to repeat my freshmen year.



Thoughts like these have been flooding my head lately and there are just some parts of my story where the word "coincidence" is not enough.

I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like I've reached the end of myself. I'm just waiting to be rescued. And I know I will be.

Some news on the homefront:



1) We got a puppy! Her name is Bella and we got her from an Amish family in Pennsylvania. My parents have given me the job of training her. This is only the second day she's been living with us and training her/taking care of her is truly one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life so far, partly because I'm allergic to dog saliva and dander (but I'm sucking it up like a real man!) and because I've never had a dog for a pet. It's a challenge. Exactly what I need. And she's adorable. I think I'm falling in love.



2) Have you heard of the musician Francesca Battistelli? Well, she's playing a show in a town near my town and I'm opening for her... AHHHHHH!!!! HOW CRAZY IS THAT?! God totally blew me away with that one. So, Francesca is pregnant and can't play a full set. Her manager contacted the woman booking the concert and asked her if there was anyone local that could open. This woman knows one of my friends from church and asked him if he knew anyone. He and his wife and the dude helping me record my EP were talking and asked me if I'd be interested... I still can't believe it! I only played two open mics this summer and I was kinda bummed that I didn't get any shows together, so when God brought along this opportunity, I was speechless. This summer has been challenging and I can honestly say that it's (or part of it) has been one of the lowest times in my life. And then God brings this along. It's ridiculous! So, we're getting a band together and we're playing 2 covers and 3 of my originals on August 22 at the Weinberg Center for the Arts. AHHHHH!!!!! I'm. so. excited.

You have a show coming up, right? If you do, good luck! It'll be wonderful :) Can't wait to hear from you!

Love,
G Love

More matters.

Question: Do you like this rug? Be honest. I thought we could put it in our room, but I'm not sure if it's too psychedelic, hahaha. Of course, how could you ever be too psychedelic, you know? I'm sure there's a way...it's pretty extreme with the colors. But my sister said I could have it..so I thought what the heck, right?

Ahemm..

In other news, I know what you mean. You get off easy saying the typical Sunday School answer because it was ingrained in you when you were a child. I've done the same thing. It's like you know the Bible and what it says, but do you really believe it all of the time?

Sometimes I think we are so caught up in doubt solely because of the fact that we can't understand the bigger picture. We KNOW that there is a bigger picture, but we stand underneath it completely in awe. Like "how in the world is that even possible?" And so we doubt because our day to day lives seem so small and even meaningless at times.

The thing is that God expects greatness in us. He is our Father and Creator. Why wouldn't His expectations be high? They are high because He LOVES us and wants the best for us and wants us in His kingdom. Now that is of course the typical Sunday School answer. So how do I see this? I walk my dog around the block everyday. It's like my quiet time where I don't have to think about any particular thing..except for my feet moving in front of me one after the other down the sidewalk. Today the sun was setting and a breeze was moving the trees and blowing my hair around. I felt tall and I felt small at the same time. And then I started thinking: God is SO using me. He has to be. Why else would I wake up and get out of bed every morning? Why else would I have a fully working mind and a healthy body? Why else would I have a passion for music and a passion for writing and reading. And why would I get joy out of making other people feel joy? It's like when I babysit and I make Karen laugh and I see that she is in a good mood because of God in me. THAT is what makes everything worth it. And when I am singing to a crowd and I see that my music actually affects them. That is what makes it all worth it.

It is in the small things, Hannah. It is in the small things that we start to see our purpose. And it is confusing, because it's hard to fully understand our own way. Remember Proverbs 20:24?

You don't have to witness to thousands per day in order to be "doing something." God wants you to be a witness inside your own house and your own bedroom. When you are buying a slurpy at the gas station. When you are walking around your neighborhood. When you are writing songs and sitting in class and hanging out in the Dining Commons. When you're in Maryland (Mirrland).

Just a few thoughts. Not sure if it makes sense (I haven't read it back yet haha). But as far as where hope comes from, look at Lamentations 3:24-26. A part of it says: "'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!'" The Lord is my portion. It's like we can have God and be FULL. That's all we need! Hoping is like waiting (as you'll read further in the passage)

Love: read anywhere in the Bible really! Hah! But it's funny how no matter what, we are still looking for love. We are trying to figure it out even though God has it all down already. It's crazy. The passage that sticks out to me is Romans 5. Faith triumphs in trouble is the title (and YOU have the same twin Bible as me yay!)
So I hope it's as encouraging to you as it was to me.

Love you girl,
Hannah L

Belief.

Dear Hannah L,

I'll be honest with you. I had a really difficult time reading your latest entry the first time around. A couple of days ago, I was really struggling with my thoughts on God, Jesus, religion, love, what I believe in. And you know, I'm still struggling. I've camped out in this place for a while now, the place where I know I don't want to believe in something just because my parents do or just because my friends do and I will believe in it too because I want to be accepted. My words are so cheap sometimes. They can be sounds that escape my lips in hopes that someone will nod his or her head in agreement. And most of the time, people do, because I've figured out what to say and how to say it to get people's approval. I'm tired of it. If I say that I believe in something, I want to say it and mean it.

The thing is, I want to believe in Jesus. I want to believe in something bigger than myself, that what I'm doing now, trying to love, is helping to build heaven. Maybe I'm selfish, but living a good life just to live it is not enough for me. If I die and nothing happens to my soul after it, it all just seems kind of worthless in some ways. I know a lot of arguments can be made against that statement, but I guess when I hear talk of an afterlife, of living forever, it leaves me wondering.

There are a few things I am sure of about this life, though:
1) Pride is a terrible monster. Pride is what keeps me from experiencing love from others. It's what fuels my jealousy and isolates me in my Hannah G Love bubble. And when pride is done with me, it leaves me face down on the floor.
2) Our world is a broken place full of broken humans with broken hearts. The wars, both visible and invisible, the violence, the injustice, the sadness. But somehow, and I might never understand this, there is beauty and rescue. Through the cracks, there is that light that you spoke of in your last entry. The light that is hope.
3) My purpose on earth is to love. I have resources, advantages, and gifts that I can use to meet the needs of other people. If I chose to commit my life to doing that, I don't think I'd regret one second of it. If I can help ease someone's suffering for just a moment, it is all worth it.

Okay, so this entry seems all over the place, I'm really sorry, haha. Like you, writing is a much easier way to try to sort everything out that goes on in my head. And after reading what I just wrote, the things that I'm sure of, it might seem to some that those can stand alone. And I completely understand where they're coming from. Like, why does God or Jesus need to fit in there? Not being prideful and wanting hope and love should be good enough, right? It would be so much easier if I could just say that. My question though is - what's the source of hope and love? I want to know, because I want more of it. And if it is in fact God, if it's Jesus, I'd like to know.

Thanks for your last entry - I find hope in it. I'd like to feel like that someday.

Love,
G Love