new.

It's almost twenty days into the new year, and I want things to continue to be new. Fresh. I want to have a fresh start. 2010 did not end so great. I mean, come on. New Year's Eve I drove clear across the middle of the country with my sister in order to escape this suffocating town. Bergen County is disgusting and awful, and North Jersey gives me migraines. My life was suffocating me, and I felt trapped. I was tired of being confused, and I was tired of waiting. I was tired of being scared, and tired of feeling like I was worthless. I am not worthless, dammit. But who am I really, anyway? And why have I been looking to other people to show me?

I guess that we do meet people for reasons. We meet people everyday who change us and shape us and mold us into who we are. So when I say look to other people, I mean to literally or figuratively ask them. "Hey you, can you tell me who I am?" It's a waste of time, because without knowing it, you are losing time and losing yourself in the process of trying to find something. The real answer is, of course, Christ. Christ is the answer. Christ is my identity. He is the reason that I still wake up every morning with my hair curly and my head on straight. So what is my purpose?

We're all on some type of quest in this world. Whether we're trying to find peace, comfort, "true happiness", purity, WHATEVER. We're all looking for something. But me? I am... kind of just following instead of looking. I'm mindlessly waiting instead of actively searching. I wait for things, Hannah. Every damn day I wait for things to come my way...for all of the things I've dreamed about--I wait for them to appear in front of me on a silver platter.

I want things in the past not to matter. But why is it that once something is over, we're all just supposed to accept it and move on? REALLY? Honestly, if I could have that mentality I would be much happier. Everything around me is moving at such a fast pace and I can't keep up. And I'm thinking, but wait a second...--OH! It's gone. Okay okay I'll move on but hold on...SLOW DOWN EVERYONE. I need to THINK. I need to DWELLLLL...how else am I supposed to really live? IT'S EVEN THE LITTLE THINGS. Someone will leave me a message and I'll call them back ready to give them a response. But something new has already happened in their life. So I let it go. I let so many things go. I move on from so many things that I don't know if I'm ready to move on from. I wonder if this makes sense...

I am a perfectionist. I hate doing things that feel wrong. When I do too many things that feel wrong, I fall into this trap that is instantly self destructive. After that...I run away. And I am sleeping away my life, my world. I am sleeping away my feelings until I feel something that is good. I sit, self aware, and stare at the objects around me, waiting for something to move. And at the same time, I am fighting for more time to think. To dwell.

Too much looking. Too much waiting. Not enough finding. I look at myself in the mirror and see someone who I don't even know.

This is a new year. I think it's important to stay true to who you are or at least who you think you are. Cliche...and a cliche even to say that it's a cliche. But I don't care. I don't want to hold back anything anymore. I won't hold back this year. I am tired of it.