2:15AM

And I thought I was the only one.

Everything you said hit home for me. It comforted me in a weird way, reminded me that really, however I'm feeling, wherever, there is at least one other person in the world that feels the same way. At the same time, it still sucks, feeling like this.

The waiting you speak of, I'm all too familiar with. I can daydream unlike any other, but when it comes to action, that's foreign to me. I get lost inside my thoughts a little long and a little too far. And I don't really know how to break the cycle. I wish I had some sage advice to give, but I don't. Just know that I'm listening and I understand.

The whole thing about looking to others for self-worth, about being a perfectionist, this was a major theme for the past two weeks when I was in Florida on the choir tour. I'd say that during a majority of the concerts, I was so worried that I was the one who would sing out of tune and ruin the music or that my voice was not blending enough and I'd stick out. In turn, I would sing really soft or even drop out at parts (don't tell anyone! haha). When I individually messed up a part, I would get really down on myself after the concert. I dreaded it. I hated feeling that way. But thank goodness I was reminded by the conductor and a close friend to just sing. Just sing. Maybe it's like that in life too. Just live. I dono.

I am afraid of growing up. Of having responsibilities. Of making mistakes. WHY?! Why can't I just be like "everyone else" and just suck it up and do what I have to do? I am so worried about what people think about me. I want to make mistakes and go through with the consequences. I want to speak my mind and not care of everyone I know likes me. What good is it to me to waste time constantly changing how I act around different people so I'll blend in? I'm weird. I know. I just want to know what it feels like to be comfortable in my skin, to rely solely on the fact that all I need is Christ. I just want to be. I want to stop comparing myself to other people and their lives, because I will never be them.

Hannah, I'm very far away these days. I wish I could say I had roots deep down to the ground so that I could be something sturdy for you to depend on right now. And I'm not saying that you can't depend on me, because I will be here for you. It's just that I'm kind of just suspended in the air right now. I'm not moving either.

This is something that someone sent in an email me tonight:

Tennessee Williams. "In the time of your life--live!" That time is short and it doesn't return again. It is slipping away while I write this and while you read it, the monosyllable of the clock is Loss, loss, loss, unless you devote your heart to its opposition."

It is a new year. And you're already new. He makes all things new.

<3 Hannah Gee