I've been sitting at Panera for a few hours now. I escaped from campus without a scratch. I should be doing my homework since that's what I came here to do, but I am writing this.
It's been getting harder and harder to do all the things I should be doing and to become this person that I "should be." Should be, want to be, who I am. The lines are blurring together and all the black and white are blending into an unattractive shade of gray. One of my closest friends often likes to ask me, "What color was your day today?" If I'm honest, I would tell her that lately, my days have been gray.
I can't really tell you what happened between now and last semester, when my days were blue, orange, red, an periwinkle. I think one of the most difficult places to be in this life is knowing how you want to feel but not being able to feel those things. Knowing how you want to be in awe of the changing seasons and how you want to be thankful that you have all your limbs. I don't know. I guess I just don't want to go through this life unaware and not cherishing the precious minutes I have.
It's like that line in our song, Larky - "I won't be standing in my way." I don't mean to be corny or anything, but I just know that I am the one standing in the way of what I want to be, what I want to do. Even these thoughts of what I "should be." I'm so afraid of what people think of me. I'm so afraid to offend, to anger people. It's cause I'm a people pleaser. That's what I do. And then I look at other people who are doing the things they want to do, and I get jealous. And bitter. What is this?
It's ridiculous. That's what it is.
Your wings will grow soon enough, Larky. Just wait. And I bet it will be the most amazing feeling to leave the ground.
Love,
G Love
