This morning I woke up confused, my heart racing. I had one of the most disturbing dreams of my life. I tried to explain it to you when I woke up, but none of it made any sense. Sigh. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. Still bothered, I decided I should eat something for the first time since two days ago. Thinking about the possibility of having to answer ANY question about ANY topic IN THE WORLD by the Music Education faculty didn't make food very appetizing.
I had peanut butter toast and bananas for breakfast and headed over to the library. Now I'm sitting here in my favorite spot: the orange plaid chair by the window with the heater that I put my feet on.
I feel like I am not fully planted on the ground, and that there is something or someone behind me. I keep checking my phone to see what time it is in case I forgot about something I needed to do. This is really weird. Should I keep practicing my speech and keep studying my Critical Pedagogy flash cards? Just in case, I still have my notes up on Microsoft Word. I still have a map of Libya Googled on my computer.
What do I do now? Well I mean...I do have my theory project, theory exam, race class and gender paper and voice observation papers. but those seem like a piece of cake.
What about after those things are over?
My eyes are REALLY sensitive to light for some reason. Did I become a vampire? I'm looking kind of pale too..
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
the forgotten.
My friend posted this trailer on my wall:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctyX5ItSQ
This is what came out afterwards:
How could I have forgotten you?
All the stories that have never been uncovered
That only those who took the time to stop and look, knew about.
Something moved within me this morning
Watching those images.
My old self woke up somehow.
Knowing that I have to do something about those who are cast out these days,
Those who are unloved,
Those who are told they have no place in this world,
Those who are devalued,
Those who are forgotten.
I made it a point not to forget the forgotten,
But that is exactly what I've done.
I'm sitting here,
I'm supposed to be studying for a test,
But how can I when I know that you are suffering,
That you are held in captivity,
That you are being beaten,
That you are isolated,
That you are walked past,
That you are hungry, thirsty, naked,
That you've been forgotten.
But you are forgotten no longer
For I will come find you.
I will come find you so that I can
Hold you,
Feed you,
Clothe you,
Tell you that you are worth more than anything of this world,
Give you a chance,
Love you.
Let me not worry about myself being forgotten,
But let me intentionally seek out those who are.
This is what we were made for.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctyX5ItSQ
This is what came out afterwards:
How could I have forgotten you?
All the stories that have never been uncovered
That only those who took the time to stop and look, knew about.
Something moved within me this morning
Watching those images.
My old self woke up somehow.
Knowing that I have to do something about those who are cast out these days,
Those who are unloved,
Those who are told they have no place in this world,
Those who are devalued,
Those who are forgotten.
I made it a point not to forget the forgotten,
But that is exactly what I've done.
I'm sitting here,
I'm supposed to be studying for a test,
But how can I when I know that you are suffering,
That you are held in captivity,
That you are being beaten,
That you are isolated,
That you are walked past,
That you are hungry, thirsty, naked,
That you've been forgotten.
But you are forgotten no longer
For I will come find you.
I will come find you so that I can
Hold you,
Feed you,
Clothe you,
Tell you that you are worth more than anything of this world,
Give you a chance,
Love you.
Let me not worry about myself being forgotten,
But let me intentionally seek out those who are.
This is what we were made for.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
silent library.
Hello Larky!
Hope all is well on this gray rainy day.
I'm sitting at the library actually doing my homework... can you believe that? I can't. Bahahaha.
People are so funny, Larson. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe not. I'm at one of those table in the back and there is a dude working on his laptop at the table to the left of me. About 15 minutes ago, an elderly couple and a middle-aged woman sat in the group of chairs to the right of me. Now, I know I shouldn't be eavesdropping, but how can you not when people are sitting 5 feet away from you? I don't think it's possible. Maybe if you're Yoda.
Anywho, the couple and the women were (are) obviously talking about some serious family issues. I don't really know because I tried not to listen too closely, but from what I've heard, that's what I can conclude. Now, if it were me, I don't think I'd come into a library to talk about issues and stuff - people are reading and studying, plus, I don't want the world to hear about my private life - but perhaps this was the only quiet place they could find in Princeton. They were talking kind of loud, so I just put my headphones on so I could focus on my work. I guess I'm kind of used to it because of the organ practice rooms and people being loud late at night. So it wasn't that big of a deal to me. But, I knew it was only going to be a matter of minutes until the dude sitting to the left of me would say something.
He said politely (I thought), "Say, do you think you could talk at the cafe? Some people are trying to study." Then, the middle-aged woman to the right of me replied, "I'm sorry, I didn't know we were talking so loud. There's no room at the cafe." Then, she got up and walked around to the study rooms, I assumed that she was looking for another place to talk, but instead she came back to the couple and said, "Those are for individual study," making sure her whisper was loud enough for all to hear and that she emphasized the word "individual."
I couldn't help but laugh inwardly. I'm not saying I'm perfect, or that I'm better, or any of that. I just thought it was funny! If I could go back and edit the conversation, it would've gone like this:
Study-man: [walking over the couple and Talking-woman with a genuine smile on his face] Excuse me, would you mind finding another place to talk or perhaps talk a little more softly? I'm trying to study for my basket-weaving exam.
Talking-woman: [Genuine sympathy] Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know we were talking so loud. We'll try to keep it down.
Study-man: Thank you, very much. I appreciate your understanding.
HAHAHAHA. Aww. I should never be a script writer.
Anywho, I had a great sandwich for lunch - turkey, brie, lettuce, tomato, mayo on focaccia bread. Whenever I eat brie, for some reason, I think of Tom Sawyer's island. Isn't that weird? That's weird.
I don't what I'd do if any of this were to happen in this library right now:
http://www.mtv.com/shows/silent_library/series.jhtml
That is all.
- G. Love
Hope all is well on this gray rainy day.
I'm sitting at the library actually doing my homework... can you believe that? I can't. Bahahaha.
People are so funny, Larson. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe not. I'm at one of those table in the back and there is a dude working on his laptop at the table to the left of me. About 15 minutes ago, an elderly couple and a middle-aged woman sat in the group of chairs to the right of me. Now, I know I shouldn't be eavesdropping, but how can you not when people are sitting 5 feet away from you? I don't think it's possible. Maybe if you're Yoda.
Anywho, the couple and the women were (are) obviously talking about some serious family issues. I don't really know because I tried not to listen too closely, but from what I've heard, that's what I can conclude. Now, if it were me, I don't think I'd come into a library to talk about issues and stuff - people are reading and studying, plus, I don't want the world to hear about my private life - but perhaps this was the only quiet place they could find in Princeton. They were talking kind of loud, so I just put my headphones on so I could focus on my work. I guess I'm kind of used to it because of the organ practice rooms and people being loud late at night. So it wasn't that big of a deal to me. But, I knew it was only going to be a matter of minutes until the dude sitting to the left of me would say something.
He said politely (I thought), "Say, do you think you could talk at the cafe? Some people are trying to study." Then, the middle-aged woman to the right of me replied, "I'm sorry, I didn't know we were talking so loud. There's no room at the cafe." Then, she got up and walked around to the study rooms, I assumed that she was looking for another place to talk, but instead she came back to the couple and said, "Those are for individual study," making sure her whisper was loud enough for all to hear and that she emphasized the word "individual."
I couldn't help but laugh inwardly. I'm not saying I'm perfect, or that I'm better, or any of that. I just thought it was funny! If I could go back and edit the conversation, it would've gone like this:
Study-man: [walking over the couple and Talking-woman with a genuine smile on his face] Excuse me, would you mind finding another place to talk or perhaps talk a little more softly? I'm trying to study for my basket-weaving exam.
Talking-woman: [Genuine sympathy] Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know we were talking so loud. We'll try to keep it down.
Study-man: Thank you, very much. I appreciate your understanding.
HAHAHAHA. Aww. I should never be a script writer.
Anywho, I had a great sandwich for lunch - turkey, brie, lettuce, tomato, mayo on focaccia bread. Whenever I eat brie, for some reason, I think of Tom Sawyer's island. Isn't that weird? That's weird.
I don't what I'd do if any of this were to happen in this library right now:
http://www.mtv.com/shows/silent_library/series.jhtml
That is all.
- G. Love
Saturday, April 9, 2011
a little change, a little risk.
Hey Hannah Gee,Today is a good day. Today I feel different. I think that somehow, although I didn't think it was possible, God changed my attitude. Remember when we were talking about that? Of all things, my attitude is something I thought I was stuck with. My attitude is what I was born with, a part of my personality that would never be different.
This attitude of mine (that is, before it changed) seems to have a mind of its own. My attitude likes to dwell and be bitter. It likes to cast blame on people and places and everything around me. It likes to wish everything could be perfect all the time. It likes to be disappointed when things are not perfect. My attitude likes to be all up or all down.
I never thought that people could change. I knew that we were constantly changing, but I didn't believe that we would ever change change. But maybe we can change. Maybe we change all the time.
Today I recorded a song in the studio. It felt good, but I wasn't on top of my high horse afterwards like I usually am. Release, yes, but no high horse. Instead of a high horse, I felt a simple urge to let go and take more risks. It's not something I've ever been ready to do. My risk always consisted of packing up and moving myself around. Transporting my entire life has become my comfort, actually. Pretty backwards, I'd say.
I'm going to take a risk. I'm going to stay right here...right where I am.
That's where God wants me. I just know it.
Love,
Hannah El
Friday, February 4, 2011
the quiet place
It's the quiet place. It's the place where nothing is moving around you. Where you can be still and your hair doesn't have to look a certain way. Where your face muscles release, where your eyes do not strain, where your shoulders relax. Where the lights are warm and you can feel safe.
Where no one can find you.
It's the quiet place. It's the place where no one can bother you and you don't have to impress anyone with your words or your thoughts. Where you can let your head wander into the clouds of a cold night sky. But you're not cold anymore, because you have a blanket around you. A red one. Where you can open a book whether with words of your own waiting to be written or words of another author. Where you can even open the book of your Lord, and you can finally feel the peace that He offers to you.
It's the quiet place. The place where you feel most at home. The place where you can find yourself without having to move at all. Where nothing is chaos. Where you are completely still except for the world that is quietly turning you. Where there is no interruption.
It's in the quiet place that you can stop moving and stop speaking and stop listening and stop pleasing and stop singing. It's where you can be free for awhile.
We are moving too much. God is telling us to stop. He is telling us to wait on Him. He is telling us to stand still. He is trying to bring us to the quiet place.
-Hannah L
Where no one can find you.
It's the quiet place. It's the place where no one can bother you and you don't have to impress anyone with your words or your thoughts. Where you can let your head wander into the clouds of a cold night sky. But you're not cold anymore, because you have a blanket around you. A red one. Where you can open a book whether with words of your own waiting to be written or words of another author. Where you can even open the book of your Lord, and you can finally feel the peace that He offers to you.
It's the quiet place. The place where you feel most at home. The place where you can find yourself without having to move at all. Where nothing is chaos. Where you are completely still except for the world that is quietly turning you. Where there is no interruption.
It's in the quiet place that you can stop moving and stop speaking and stop listening and stop pleasing and stop singing. It's where you can be free for awhile.
We are moving too much. God is telling us to stop. He is telling us to wait on Him. He is telling us to stand still. He is trying to bring us to the quiet place.
-Hannah L
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
snowstorm.
Got this text from my mom tonight:
Took me 5 hours to get home tonight. Just thank god m home safe. There's goodness in people a man helped push my car when i got stuck at the exit n a neighbor helped push my car to the driveway. Changed my perspective on people. I'll try to be more kind. Luv u girl
I'm more than glad that my mom got home safe but I'm also glad and thankful that those people got to help her out.
See, my mom works at the bank and she meets a lot of different kinds of people. I get the feeling she has more rude and difficult customers than kind ones, just from what she tells me when she gets home. I always feel really bad because while my mom keeps her game face on and has a pretty tough shell, I know it must take a toll on her. I mean, it has to. So, even though I know it must have been a terrible 5 hours trying to get home, I think those people that helped her gave her some hope and made some light in her life. Thank you stranger and neighbor for helping my mom get home.
I bet you they were angels in disguise :]
Took me 5 hours to get home tonight. Just thank god m home safe. There's goodness in people a man helped push my car when i got stuck at the exit n a neighbor helped push my car to the driveway. Changed my perspective on people. I'll try to be more kind. Luv u girl
I'm more than glad that my mom got home safe but I'm also glad and thankful that those people got to help her out.
See, my mom works at the bank and she meets a lot of different kinds of people. I get the feeling she has more rude and difficult customers than kind ones, just from what she tells me when she gets home. I always feel really bad because while my mom keeps her game face on and has a pretty tough shell, I know it must take a toll on her. I mean, it has to. So, even though I know it must have been a terrible 5 hours trying to get home, I think those people that helped her gave her some hope and made some light in her life. Thank you stranger and neighbor for helping my mom get home.
I bet you they were angels in disguise :]
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
2:15AM
And I thought I was the only one.
Everything you said hit home for me. It comforted me in a weird way, reminded me that really, however I'm feeling, wherever, there is at least one other person in the world that feels the same way. At the same time, it still sucks, feeling like this.
The waiting you speak of, I'm all too familiar with. I can daydream unlike any other, but when it comes to action, that's foreign to me. I get lost inside my thoughts a little long and a little too far. And I don't really know how to break the cycle. I wish I had some sage advice to give, but I don't. Just know that I'm listening and I understand.
The whole thing about looking to others for self-worth, about being a perfectionist, this was a major theme for the past two weeks when I was in Florida on the choir tour. I'd say that during a majority of the concerts, I was so worried that I was the one who would sing out of tune and ruin the music or that my voice was not blending enough and I'd stick out. In turn, I would sing really soft or even drop out at parts (don't tell anyone! haha). When I individually messed up a part, I would get really down on myself after the concert. I dreaded it. I hated feeling that way. But thank goodness I was reminded by the conductor and a close friend to just sing. Just sing. Maybe it's like that in life too. Just live. I dono.
I am afraid of growing up. Of having responsibilities. Of making mistakes. WHY?! Why can't I just be like "everyone else" and just suck it up and do what I have to do? I am so worried about what people think about me. I want to make mistakes and go through with the consequences. I want to speak my mind and not care of everyone I know likes me. What good is it to me to waste time constantly changing how I act around different people so I'll blend in? I'm weird. I know. I just want to know what it feels like to be comfortable in my skin, to rely solely on the fact that all I need is Christ. I just want to be. I want to stop comparing myself to other people and their lives, because I will never be them.
Hannah, I'm very far away these days. I wish I could say I had roots deep down to the ground so that I could be something sturdy for you to depend on right now. And I'm not saying that you can't depend on me, because I will be here for you. It's just that I'm kind of just suspended in the air right now. I'm not moving either.
This is something that someone sent in an email me tonight:
Tennessee Williams. "In the time of your life--live!" That time is short and it doesn't return again. It is slipping away while I write this and while you read it, the monosyllable of the clock is Loss, loss, loss, unless you devote your heart to its opposition."
It is a new year. And you're already new. He makes all things new.
<3 Hannah Gee
Everything you said hit home for me. It comforted me in a weird way, reminded me that really, however I'm feeling, wherever, there is at least one other person in the world that feels the same way. At the same time, it still sucks, feeling like this.
The waiting you speak of, I'm all too familiar with. I can daydream unlike any other, but when it comes to action, that's foreign to me. I get lost inside my thoughts a little long and a little too far. And I don't really know how to break the cycle. I wish I had some sage advice to give, but I don't. Just know that I'm listening and I understand.
The whole thing about looking to others for self-worth, about being a perfectionist, this was a major theme for the past two weeks when I was in Florida on the choir tour. I'd say that during a majority of the concerts, I was so worried that I was the one who would sing out of tune and ruin the music or that my voice was not blending enough and I'd stick out. In turn, I would sing really soft or even drop out at parts (don't tell anyone! haha). When I individually messed up a part, I would get really down on myself after the concert. I dreaded it. I hated feeling that way. But thank goodness I was reminded by the conductor and a close friend to just sing. Just sing. Maybe it's like that in life too. Just live. I dono.
I am afraid of growing up. Of having responsibilities. Of making mistakes. WHY?! Why can't I just be like "everyone else" and just suck it up and do what I have to do? I am so worried about what people think about me. I want to make mistakes and go through with the consequences. I want to speak my mind and not care of everyone I know likes me. What good is it to me to waste time constantly changing how I act around different people so I'll blend in? I'm weird. I know. I just want to know what it feels like to be comfortable in my skin, to rely solely on the fact that all I need is Christ. I just want to be. I want to stop comparing myself to other people and their lives, because I will never be them.
Hannah, I'm very far away these days. I wish I could say I had roots deep down to the ground so that I could be something sturdy for you to depend on right now. And I'm not saying that you can't depend on me, because I will be here for you. It's just that I'm kind of just suspended in the air right now. I'm not moving either.
This is something that someone sent in an email me tonight:
Tennessee Williams. "In the time of your life--live!" That time is short and it doesn't return again. It is slipping away while I write this and while you read it, the monosyllable of the clock is Loss, loss, loss, unless you devote your heart to its opposition."
It is a new year. And you're already new. He makes all things new.
<3 Hannah Gee
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