snowstorm.

Got this text from my mom tonight:

Took me 5 hours to get home tonight. Just thank god m home safe. There's goodness in people a man helped push my car when i got stuck at the exit n a neighbor helped push my car to the driveway. Changed my perspective on people. I'll try to be more kind. Luv u girl

I'm more than glad that my mom got home safe but I'm also glad and thankful that those people got to help her out.

See, my mom works at the bank and she meets a lot of different kinds of people. I get the feeling she has more rude and difficult customers than kind ones, just from what she tells me when she gets home. I always feel really bad because while my mom keeps her game face on and has a pretty tough shell, I know it must take a toll on her. I mean, it has to. So, even though I know it must have been a terrible 5 hours trying to get home, I think those people that helped her gave her some hope and made some light in her life. Thank you stranger and neighbor for helping my mom get home.

I bet you they were angels in disguise :]

2:15AM

And I thought I was the only one.

Everything you said hit home for me. It comforted me in a weird way, reminded me that really, however I'm feeling, wherever, there is at least one other person in the world that feels the same way. At the same time, it still sucks, feeling like this.

The waiting you speak of, I'm all too familiar with. I can daydream unlike any other, but when it comes to action, that's foreign to me. I get lost inside my thoughts a little long and a little too far. And I don't really know how to break the cycle. I wish I had some sage advice to give, but I don't. Just know that I'm listening and I understand.

The whole thing about looking to others for self-worth, about being a perfectionist, this was a major theme for the past two weeks when I was in Florida on the choir tour. I'd say that during a majority of the concerts, I was so worried that I was the one who would sing out of tune and ruin the music or that my voice was not blending enough and I'd stick out. In turn, I would sing really soft or even drop out at parts (don't tell anyone! haha). When I individually messed up a part, I would get really down on myself after the concert. I dreaded it. I hated feeling that way. But thank goodness I was reminded by the conductor and a close friend to just sing. Just sing. Maybe it's like that in life too. Just live. I dono.

I am afraid of growing up. Of having responsibilities. Of making mistakes. WHY?! Why can't I just be like "everyone else" and just suck it up and do what I have to do? I am so worried about what people think about me. I want to make mistakes and go through with the consequences. I want to speak my mind and not care of everyone I know likes me. What good is it to me to waste time constantly changing how I act around different people so I'll blend in? I'm weird. I know. I just want to know what it feels like to be comfortable in my skin, to rely solely on the fact that all I need is Christ. I just want to be. I want to stop comparing myself to other people and their lives, because I will never be them.

Hannah, I'm very far away these days. I wish I could say I had roots deep down to the ground so that I could be something sturdy for you to depend on right now. And I'm not saying that you can't depend on me, because I will be here for you. It's just that I'm kind of just suspended in the air right now. I'm not moving either.

This is something that someone sent in an email me tonight:

Tennessee Williams. "In the time of your life--live!" That time is short and it doesn't return again. It is slipping away while I write this and while you read it, the monosyllable of the clock is Loss, loss, loss, unless you devote your heart to its opposition."

It is a new year. And you're already new. He makes all things new.

<3 Hannah Gee

new.

It's almost twenty days into the new year, and I want things to continue to be new. Fresh. I want to have a fresh start. 2010 did not end so great. I mean, come on. New Year's Eve I drove clear across the middle of the country with my sister in order to escape this suffocating town. Bergen County is disgusting and awful, and North Jersey gives me migraines. My life was suffocating me, and I felt trapped. I was tired of being confused, and I was tired of waiting. I was tired of being scared, and tired of feeling like I was worthless. I am not worthless, dammit. But who am I really, anyway? And why have I been looking to other people to show me?

I guess that we do meet people for reasons. We meet people everyday who change us and shape us and mold us into who we are. So when I say look to other people, I mean to literally or figuratively ask them. "Hey you, can you tell me who I am?" It's a waste of time, because without knowing it, you are losing time and losing yourself in the process of trying to find something. The real answer is, of course, Christ. Christ is the answer. Christ is my identity. He is the reason that I still wake up every morning with my hair curly and my head on straight. So what is my purpose?

We're all on some type of quest in this world. Whether we're trying to find peace, comfort, "true happiness", purity, WHATEVER. We're all looking for something. But me? I am... kind of just following instead of looking. I'm mindlessly waiting instead of actively searching. I wait for things, Hannah. Every damn day I wait for things to come my way...for all of the things I've dreamed about--I wait for them to appear in front of me on a silver platter.

I want things in the past not to matter. But why is it that once something is over, we're all just supposed to accept it and move on? REALLY? Honestly, if I could have that mentality I would be much happier. Everything around me is moving at such a fast pace and I can't keep up. And I'm thinking, but wait a second...--OH! It's gone. Okay okay I'll move on but hold on...SLOW DOWN EVERYONE. I need to THINK. I need to DWELLLLL...how else am I supposed to really live? IT'S EVEN THE LITTLE THINGS. Someone will leave me a message and I'll call them back ready to give them a response. But something new has already happened in their life. So I let it go. I let so many things go. I move on from so many things that I don't know if I'm ready to move on from. I wonder if this makes sense...

I am a perfectionist. I hate doing things that feel wrong. When I do too many things that feel wrong, I fall into this trap that is instantly self destructive. After that...I run away. And I am sleeping away my life, my world. I am sleeping away my feelings until I feel something that is good. I sit, self aware, and stare at the objects around me, waiting for something to move. And at the same time, I am fighting for more time to think. To dwell.

Too much looking. Too much waiting. Not enough finding. I look at myself in the mirror and see someone who I don't even know.

This is a new year. I think it's important to stay true to who you are or at least who you think you are. Cliche...and a cliche even to say that it's a cliche. But I don't care. I don't want to hold back anything anymore. I won't hold back this year. I am tired of it.