Wow. It's been a while since we've written here, Larky. I've often thought about this blog and have re-read entries from time to time. It makes me laugh but it also makes me a little bit sad at times. Things have changed a lot. I feel like I've taken a step back as far as my love for life. Going back to the very first entries of the summer that we started this blog, it seems like I was so ready for the new, so ready to explore. But now, I feel like I'm just getting by, doing what I have to just to get through the day.
Thoughts of the coming year have been weighing heavy on me. Somedays, I'm alright. I say to myself, "Yeah, I'll be fine even though I have no idea where I'm going." But other days, I'll have a quarter-life crisis (is it possible to have that multiple times? haha) and quietly freak out. A month ago, I decided to move back home. Two weeks ago, I decided it might be better for me to stay here. Yesterday, I thought maybe I should move back home to save some money. I don't know what I'll decide tomorrow.
Before I left for home for this last semester, my friend messaged me and said:
so excited to hear what God has in store for you this last semester. He's not gonna leave you hanging... He'll keep pointing the way... maybe only one step at a time. But he won't leave you hanging.
This was encouraging to hear. But living this right now, in this present moment, is really difficult and frustrating, I will be honest. Everyday that I'm in the practice room, that I'm out teaching, that I'm out meeting new people, that I'm singing, I can't help but wonder - what is this all amounting to? Why won't God just give me a clear answer about where I'm headed so that I will know what to spend my time and effort and energy in? It seems like it would be so much easier that way.
But of course, I know it's not like that. I admit, it is kind of exhilarating, not knowing where I'm going. But it's hard. And this is definitely where faith and trust come in. Because I'm not really sure I know what I want anymore. Not even about songwriting. I know that I will never stop doing it, it's just a part of who I am, but I get a sense that it's not going to be the main thing in my life, at least for me, at least for now. And for the first time, it's okay. I'm okay with it. I think I'm just beginning to uncover my own story and not trying to live someone else's. It's cool. Sometimes. Haha.
Anywho, I hope you're doing well. Please post about your magical show in Philly from this past week! Can't wait to hear about it :]
Love,
Hannah G.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
A day
It's gray outside; another blurry day. A day where anything could happen, good or bad. A day where I am tired again and I want to take a nap. I woke up at 7 and walked to the bank. Had breakfast at Small World and a small decaf coffee in a glass mug. I met up with a friend and she told me how her world shifted completely in a matter of one day. Her dreams of being in the Olympics were shattered after one race. Everything she'd been working towards was for nothing. For nothing? Maybe not nothing. But now she is picking up everything and leaving to Seattle. Taking a road trip clear across the country. She might not even come back.
Something seemed different about her. It was like she was humbled a little bit. Suddenly she wasn't as cheerful as she normally was. Suddenly she doesn't have her whole life figured out. I sip on my bitter coffee as she tells me these things. She smiles and laughs and tries to get it off of her shoulders. But they still look heavy and weighted down. She tells me that she is at peace and that she knows God is in control. I wonder if she really is at peace. She seems kind of disturbed about everything.
We are never really in control, are we? We think we are, and then something unexpected happens to us. We should be used to it by now, but we aren't. When something is out of my control, I go straight into defensive mode. I catch myself crossing my arms across my chest, hiding inside of my own skin. I start thinking of alternatives and ways to fix things. I come up with someone to blame. I look in every direction besides up. And He's the one who is testing us, isn't He? He's the one putting us through it all to make us better and to help us grow. So why can't I trust Him and why can't I pray to Him?
Anything can happen in a day, and it scares me. I have to think through things before I actually do them. I always plan out in my head before executing. I don't make decisions until I've made a pro/con list. Why? Because I'm scared of bad things happening. I'm afraid of what could happen. What's the point in living this way?
-hl
Something seemed different about her. It was like she was humbled a little bit. Suddenly she wasn't as cheerful as she normally was. Suddenly she doesn't have her whole life figured out. I sip on my bitter coffee as she tells me these things. She smiles and laughs and tries to get it off of her shoulders. But they still look heavy and weighted down. She tells me that she is at peace and that she knows God is in control. I wonder if she really is at peace. She seems kind of disturbed about everything.
We are never really in control, are we? We think we are, and then something unexpected happens to us. We should be used to it by now, but we aren't. When something is out of my control, I go straight into defensive mode. I catch myself crossing my arms across my chest, hiding inside of my own skin. I start thinking of alternatives and ways to fix things. I come up with someone to blame. I look in every direction besides up. And He's the one who is testing us, isn't He? He's the one putting us through it all to make us better and to help us grow. So why can't I trust Him and why can't I pray to Him?
Anything can happen in a day, and it scares me. I have to think through things before I actually do them. I always plan out in my head before executing. I don't make decisions until I've made a pro/con list. Why? Because I'm scared of bad things happening. I'm afraid of what could happen. What's the point in living this way?
-hl
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Life kind of reminds me of a mixed CD.
Dear Hannah G,
Just thought I'd put it out there that I freaking miss you. Will you come visit me in Princeton? I need a Hannah fix.
Anyway, I've been loving the fact that when I check our blog, there are actually blog posts more often than not! We're actually writing. Remember when we used to have massive writer's block disease? I don't know if there's time for that anymore. There are so many things to say now for some reason.
One thing I have to say: I think Taylor Swift and Adam from Owl City should get married. They are both living in fairy-tale land anyway, so I think it'd be perfect.
Another thing: That book you're reading sounds really interesting. I would love to read it when you're done!! The thing that got me the most was under "Symptoms of failure to bond." Excessive caretaking? Why would that be under failures? I mean, anything that is excessive isn't good, but why would caretaking be a bad thing? I'm not sure if I have this down (which is why I would like to read the book), but I think what they're talking about is spending all of your energy taking care of other people and yourself. Am I wrong? Assuming that I have this right, excessive caretaking would be bad because instead of focusing on your own relationship with God and letting Him hold you together, you're spending all of your time taking care of yourself or someone else. Maybe caretaking helps us hide from our problems instead of facing them with God's strength. We aren't supposed to be super humans, though. We are supposed to look to God who is the ultimate Caretaker.
Being in Princeton is showing me so many things. Not only am I paying to live on campus, but I am paying for food. I'm paying for everything, actually. I bike to the grocery store, I cook my own food every night. I go to work, I babysit, I teach lessons. Even though I'm still in a silly dorm, I am more of an adult than I've ever been. For the first time in my life I said no to crawling back home and retreating to underneath the covers of my bed upstairs...next to my parent's room. NO MORE. I must start being a grown-up. And let me tell you: I have never been so carefree. This is one of the most carefree summers of my life. Regardless of the cost of living, regardless of work, teaching for the first time, taking care of babies. All the while attempting to record a CD this summer.
The fact that I am trying to be on my own can be a little stressful. I could go home at the end of June and save money, stay at home, sleep in everyday, walk my dog, play with my kitty, watch numerous episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Wizards of Waverly Place, and swim at the pool and "babysit" a girl who is almost 13. But as Owl City says, "Ponderosa canopy, I'd never leave if it were up to me." Side note: Amber Rose made me a copy of Owl City's new album. I love it.
I mean...I do plan on leaving for a week or two in July. Then I will get to play with Boogie.
He's so cute.
Anyway, that's all for now! Keep writing music Hannah! I want to hear some of your new stuff! I am recording my new song on Saturday. It will complete the 5 song CD that will be coming out soon, hopefully.
I love you! Visit me! Muah!
Hannah L
Just thought I'd put it out there that I freaking miss you. Will you come visit me in Princeton? I need a Hannah fix.
Anyway, I've been loving the fact that when I check our blog, there are actually blog posts more often than not! We're actually writing. Remember when we used to have massive writer's block disease? I don't know if there's time for that anymore. There are so many things to say now for some reason.
One thing I have to say: I think Taylor Swift and Adam from Owl City should get married. They are both living in fairy-tale land anyway, so I think it'd be perfect.
Another thing: That book you're reading sounds really interesting. I would love to read it when you're done!! The thing that got me the most was under "Symptoms of failure to bond." Excessive caretaking? Why would that be under failures? I mean, anything that is excessive isn't good, but why would caretaking be a bad thing? I'm not sure if I have this down (which is why I would like to read the book), but I think what they're talking about is spending all of your energy taking care of other people and yourself. Am I wrong? Assuming that I have this right, excessive caretaking would be bad because instead of focusing on your own relationship with God and letting Him hold you together, you're spending all of your time taking care of yourself or someone else. Maybe caretaking helps us hide from our problems instead of facing them with God's strength. We aren't supposed to be super humans, though. We are supposed to look to God who is the ultimate Caretaker.
Being in Princeton is showing me so many things. Not only am I paying to live on campus, but I am paying for food. I'm paying for everything, actually. I bike to the grocery store, I cook my own food every night. I go to work, I babysit, I teach lessons. Even though I'm still in a silly dorm, I am more of an adult than I've ever been. For the first time in my life I said no to crawling back home and retreating to underneath the covers of my bed upstairs...next to my parent's room. NO MORE. I must start being a grown-up. And let me tell you: I have never been so carefree. This is one of the most carefree summers of my life. Regardless of the cost of living, regardless of work, teaching for the first time, taking care of babies. All the while attempting to record a CD this summer.
The fact that I am trying to be on my own can be a little stressful. I could go home at the end of June and save money, stay at home, sleep in everyday, walk my dog, play with my kitty, watch numerous episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Wizards of Waverly Place, and swim at the pool and "babysit" a girl who is almost 13. But as Owl City says, "Ponderosa canopy, I'd never leave if it were up to me." Side note: Amber Rose made me a copy of Owl City's new album. I love it.
I mean...I do plan on leaving for a week or two in July. Then I will get to play with Boogie.
He's so cute.Anyway, that's all for now! Keep writing music Hannah! I want to hear some of your new stuff! I am recording my new song on Saturday. It will complete the 5 song CD that will be coming out soon, hopefully.
I love you! Visit me! Muah!
Hannah L
Saturday, June 11, 2011
the art of the mix CD
Right now, I am in the middle of making a mix CD for a friend. It's been a while since I've done this, and I realize that I've forgotten why I love making mix CDs for people that I love.
It's an art form, really. You put each song on the CD for a reason, whether it's a special song between you and that person, or because it is a song you know they haven't heard before and you know they'd like it. You also have to make sure that the songs are in the right order, that it flows. It's kind of like a story - you have to make sure to start with something catchy, and then the intensity of emotions comes in waves as the plot goes on. The last track is extremely important - it kind of sums up the whole thing.
Something that I usually like to do is write little comments next to each track on the list of songs. It makes it so much more special when the person takes the time to do this, that he or she took the time to think it through.
i.e. "11. Your Hand in Mine by Explosions in the Sky - I think this is what a sunrise sounds like."
I once had a close friend who would do this with every mix CD he gave me and it was so special for me. He and I are strangers now, and it makes me kind of sad when I listen to the CDs every now and then.
I hope one of my songs will end up on someone's mix CD someday. That would be cool.
It's an art form, really. You put each song on the CD for a reason, whether it's a special song between you and that person, or because it is a song you know they haven't heard before and you know they'd like it. You also have to make sure that the songs are in the right order, that it flows. It's kind of like a story - you have to make sure to start with something catchy, and then the intensity of emotions comes in waves as the plot goes on. The last track is extremely important - it kind of sums up the whole thing.
Something that I usually like to do is write little comments next to each track on the list of songs. It makes it so much more special when the person takes the time to do this, that he or she took the time to think it through.
i.e. "11. Your Hand in Mine by Explosions in the Sky - I think this is what a sunrise sounds like."
I once had a close friend who would do this with every mix CD he gave me and it was so special for me. He and I are strangers now, and it makes me kind of sad when I listen to the CDs every now and then.
I hope one of my songs will end up on someone's mix CD someday. That would be cool.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Alone time vs. Isolation
Loved your last entry, Larson. You need to write a book about it...
I guess you kind-of-sort-of did. A chapter, or maybe a synopsis of it.
That part about the taxi driver... people keep saying that: "Now is the time." And you're right that he's right. Even though we're young, we don't know how many more breaths we're going to take. We really won't find rest from the restlessness UNTIL we go for it.
I've been kind of realizing that during these past few weeks here in Charleston. It's been exhilarating, challenging, eye-opening, all these things that I didn't foresee about this trip. And I'm grateful for it, even the parts when I just want to go home and pet my dog. I've been inspired and challenged by the art that I've seen here and the artists that I've met. I just can't let this summer pass me by... again. I won't let it.
A good friend of mine here at Spoleto lent me a book called "Changes That Heal" by Dr. Henry Cloud and it's helped me to see some things about myself that I just wasn't aware of. It took me a few days to actually crack it open because I was afraid of what I might find in the pages. I finally opened it today and lo and behold... those words were meant for me.
To be honest, there have been many times, mostly in this past week that it's been so difficult to be around the people here. And really, it's not anything they're doing intentionally to bother me. They haven't been mean to me. If anything, they've been so caring and looking out for me. But for some reason, I've been on edge and just couldn't be around them. Anything they said or did annoyed me. Even though I'm surrounded by people, I feel... isolated. Maybe it's because I'm a girl and maybe it's almost that time of the month... but maybe it's more than that. Maybe it goes deeper, why I feel so lonely even though I'm not alone.
The chapter I opened up to was titled "When We Fail to Bond." My initial thought: Here we go again. I'm tired of this self-help, self-realization, self-discovery crap. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way with people? Like I can't connect?
Some of the titles and subtitles in the chapter:
Symptoms of failure to bond:
depression
addiction
distorted thinking
emptiness
fears of intimacy
fears of unreality
rage
excessive caretaking
fantasy
That's me...
Some more titles and subtitles in the chapter:
Barriers to bonding - distorted thoughts
"My neediness will overwhelm everyone."
"My need for others is not valid."
"No one is trustworthy."
"People will always leave me."
"People will disapprove of me."
"People will control me."
All of the above. Check.
I could go on and on but I won't. All this to say that I discovered that it's okay for me to say that I need people. Alone time is healthy, but not all the time. We were designed to be in relationship, so anyone that tells us that we shouldn't be dependent on each other because that means we're weak - they couldn't be further from the truth. I guess I always thought, especially at our school, that being alone, being independent meant that you were so much stronger than anyone else.
Wrong.
I don't have to be Super Hannah, who is always super-nice who is super-patient and super-independent. I can just be... Hannah.
And you can just be... Hannah.
We can just be.
I guess you kind-of-sort-of did. A chapter, or maybe a synopsis of it.
That part about the taxi driver... people keep saying that: "Now is the time." And you're right that he's right. Even though we're young, we don't know how many more breaths we're going to take. We really won't find rest from the restlessness UNTIL we go for it.
I've been kind of realizing that during these past few weeks here in Charleston. It's been exhilarating, challenging, eye-opening, all these things that I didn't foresee about this trip. And I'm grateful for it, even the parts when I just want to go home and pet my dog. I've been inspired and challenged by the art that I've seen here and the artists that I've met. I just can't let this summer pass me by... again. I won't let it.
A good friend of mine here at Spoleto lent me a book called "Changes That Heal" by Dr. Henry Cloud and it's helped me to see some things about myself that I just wasn't aware of. It took me a few days to actually crack it open because I was afraid of what I might find in the pages. I finally opened it today and lo and behold... those words were meant for me.
To be honest, there have been many times, mostly in this past week that it's been so difficult to be around the people here. And really, it's not anything they're doing intentionally to bother me. They haven't been mean to me. If anything, they've been so caring and looking out for me. But for some reason, I've been on edge and just couldn't be around them. Anything they said or did annoyed me. Even though I'm surrounded by people, I feel... isolated. Maybe it's because I'm a girl and maybe it's almost that time of the month... but maybe it's more than that. Maybe it goes deeper, why I feel so lonely even though I'm not alone.
The chapter I opened up to was titled "When We Fail to Bond." My initial thought: Here we go again. I'm tired of this self-help, self-realization, self-discovery crap. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way with people? Like I can't connect?
Some of the titles and subtitles in the chapter:
Symptoms of failure to bond:
depression
addiction
distorted thinking
emptiness
fears of intimacy
fears of unreality
rage
excessive caretaking
fantasy
That's me...
Some more titles and subtitles in the chapter:
Barriers to bonding - distorted thoughts
"My neediness will overwhelm everyone."
"My need for others is not valid."
"No one is trustworthy."
"People will always leave me."
"People will disapprove of me."
"People will control me."
All of the above. Check.
I could go on and on but I won't. All this to say that I discovered that it's okay for me to say that I need people. Alone time is healthy, but not all the time. We were designed to be in relationship, so anyone that tells us that we shouldn't be dependent on each other because that means we're weak - they couldn't be further from the truth. I guess I always thought, especially at our school, that being alone, being independent meant that you were so much stronger than anyone else.
Wrong.
I don't have to be Super Hannah, who is always super-nice who is super-patient and super-independent. I can just be... Hannah.
And you can just be... Hannah.
We can just be.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
summertime at school (why am I here)
Funny story.
So it's the end of the school year, and I pack up all of my belongings: clothes, shoes, curtains, rug, lamp (what's left of it), desk stuff, and bedding into IKEA bags. I haul them out of good old Dayton 106 into my new dorm. My room has an extra little window strip and my bed is too tall for me to sit on...I have to get a running start every night to make it up there. There is a pretty nice view of a field and trees outside my window. The room doesn't fit my stuff though! Even though it is bigger and even though mom took home half of it already (including Kevin). Kinda hard for me to understand.
The dorm has a different feeeeeel about it. Different roommate, different neighbors, full of people taking summer classes, more late nights, less practicing in practice rooms, more ABC family and Harry Potter movies running in the lounge. The room next to me has the most obnoxious door that gets stuck on the hinges every time it opens and slams shut every time it closes. AND FOR ONE THING I am on the BOYS side of the hall. The boys' bathroom is nicer than the girls'. The girls' bathroom has seizure inducing lights that flicker and make constant buzzing sounds. The showers are secluded in a small corner next to a door that you can't go into or out of. Like a horror film waiting to happen.
I settle in my stuff and everything stops around me. What do I do now. The sky has been overcast for seven days. I am stuck somewhere I don't want to be. I don't know why I ever came to the conclusion that I should be here for the summer. I'm kind of lonely and I need to be somewhere new. I need to travel, I need to write music, I need to perform, but instead I'm in Ithaca 105 for the summer. Wow.
Okay...so then I head out to my new babysitting job (found me on SitterCity.com hah!) The grandmother who is VERY young in spirit picks me up. She has zebra striped glasses and straight blonde hair with bangs. She speaks with a German accent and is over enthusiastic about the fact that I go to Westminster. We drive up to a big white cottage house with a red barn and I head inside. Two kids run up to me screaming happily. Madelaine, the girl, is 3 years old and her brother Vincent is 5. Cutest. kids. ever. Brownish-blonde hair and dark brown eyes. Vincent says hello in German, and I look at him, confused. "I'm from Germany!" he says. "Come on! Let's go build a fort!" He pulls me by the arm and Madelaine runs ahead, a Dalmatian, two Labs, and a speckled looking Beagle of some sort follows behind me. This is going to be interesting.
I spend the next four days with these kids. 30 hours and some of the most chaotic experiences of my life. Including but not limited to a European party, their mother being rushed to the hospital, a miscarriage, a frantic German father, Madelaine falling asleep in my arms, bedtime stories, playing hide and seek with Vincent, Barn dances, American flags, roasted pig and toy guns, cranky kids, being offered a bottle of Jack Daniels at the end of it all. I felt like a nanny in a movie. It was insane. They payed me extra and I gladly accepted.
I take a cab home on the last day and the cab driver and I talk about life. He asks me where I want to be in ten years and I think about it and say, "I want to be on the road, touring." He says, "Hey! You should try out for American Idol or something." "Ehh...I don't know. I've thought about it before but I think it'd be too much pressure," I said. "Well, it'd be character building. Why not go for it? Go after what you want before life passes you by. I'm turning 47 this year!" Oh my gosh, Hannah. He is so right. Maybe not about American Idol...but DEFINITELY about going for it.
Moral of the story: need apartment. no kids for long time. cab driver says try out for American Idol.
So it's the end of the school year, and I pack up all of my belongings: clothes, shoes, curtains, rug, lamp (what's left of it), desk stuff, and bedding into IKEA bags. I haul them out of good old Dayton 106 into my new dorm. My room has an extra little window strip and my bed is too tall for me to sit on...I have to get a running start every night to make it up there. There is a pretty nice view of a field and trees outside my window. The room doesn't fit my stuff though! Even though it is bigger and even though mom took home half of it already (including Kevin). Kinda hard for me to understand.
The dorm has a different feeeeeel about it. Different roommate, different neighbors, full of people taking summer classes, more late nights, less practicing in practice rooms, more ABC family and Harry Potter movies running in the lounge. The room next to me has the most obnoxious door that gets stuck on the hinges every time it opens and slams shut every time it closes. AND FOR ONE THING I am on the BOYS side of the hall. The boys' bathroom is nicer than the girls'. The girls' bathroom has seizure inducing lights that flicker and make constant buzzing sounds. The showers are secluded in a small corner next to a door that you can't go into or out of. Like a horror film waiting to happen.
I settle in my stuff and everything stops around me. What do I do now. The sky has been overcast for seven days. I am stuck somewhere I don't want to be. I don't know why I ever came to the conclusion that I should be here for the summer. I'm kind of lonely and I need to be somewhere new. I need to travel, I need to write music, I need to perform, but instead I'm in Ithaca 105 for the summer. Wow.
Okay...so then I head out to my new babysitting job (found me on SitterCity.com hah!) The grandmother who is VERY young in spirit picks me up. She has zebra striped glasses and straight blonde hair with bangs. She speaks with a German accent and is over enthusiastic about the fact that I go to Westminster. We drive up to a big white cottage house with a red barn and I head inside. Two kids run up to me screaming happily. Madelaine, the girl, is 3 years old and her brother Vincent is 5. Cutest. kids. ever. Brownish-blonde hair and dark brown eyes. Vincent says hello in German, and I look at him, confused. "I'm from Germany!" he says. "Come on! Let's go build a fort!" He pulls me by the arm and Madelaine runs ahead, a Dalmatian, two Labs, and a speckled looking Beagle of some sort follows behind me. This is going to be interesting.
I spend the next four days with these kids. 30 hours and some of the most chaotic experiences of my life. Including but not limited to a European party, their mother being rushed to the hospital, a miscarriage, a frantic German father, Madelaine falling asleep in my arms, bedtime stories, playing hide and seek with Vincent, Barn dances, American flags, roasted pig and toy guns, cranky kids, being offered a bottle of Jack Daniels at the end of it all. I felt like a nanny in a movie. It was insane. They payed me extra and I gladly accepted.
I take a cab home on the last day and the cab driver and I talk about life. He asks me where I want to be in ten years and I think about it and say, "I want to be on the road, touring." He says, "Hey! You should try out for American Idol or something." "Ehh...I don't know. I've thought about it before but I think it'd be too much pressure," I said. "Well, it'd be character building. Why not go for it? Go after what you want before life passes you by. I'm turning 47 this year!" Oh my gosh, Hannah. He is so right. Maybe not about American Idol...but DEFINITELY about going for it.
Moral of the story: need apartment. no kids for long time. cab driver says try out for American Idol.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
